I began to feel the pull in late spring and by the beginning of summer, it came to feel like a full-on tug of war.
If you have ever had an event – the feeling in your stomach of anticipation – I had this feeling many times before soccer games, before trips to locations I hadn’t been before, before big moves to college, Chicago, other places I didn’t end up going at all, due to fear.
I knew this feeling well, but this time it wouldn’t go away. I would be busy doing work of whatever kind, with the feeling I should be doing something else. I would continue to work harder, keep myself busy, moving. And the rare times I was sitting, relaxing, that pull would become stronger than I could take, and I would do what became comfortable and distracting – I would pick up my phone and scroll. Pull denied.
By the end of June, it became somewhat unbearable. In dreams, a restlessness when I was awake – I knew I had to deal with whatever this was.
So, in early July, I turned my phone off.
I deleted my Instagram app.
I blocked Facebook on my phone.
I knew the more I took in, the less quiet I let myself have, the less of a chance that what wanted to be born would come. So I made myself get quiet and listen. It was one of the hardest things I have done. Hard because I didn’t know what would come of this. What if it was nothing? What if it was something I couldn’t do? Or worse, something I didn’t want to do? Despite all of this, I gave in and let myself rest. And some beautiful things happened in the process.
At first, the simplicity of turning off all of the incoming information, media, opinions, was reward enough – and woke me up to how much I reached for my phone without even being aware of it. Even though I made it impossible to see what I was habitually reaching for, my hand would reach anyway, anytime there was a period of quiet. I would set my phone back down and soak in the quiet. I would carry my notebook with me to write down any thoughts that came to mind, even the mindless chatter of daily annoyances or a grocery list. I let the quiet soak in. And in the quiet times, I began to listen to my heart instead of my head to tell me to keep moving.
One evening in particular stands out. The girls were busy with friends, Joe was working outside. I before may have pulled out the computer, cleaned something, or busied myself with something else. Instead, I went outside and sat on the ground. The sun was just starting to set. I noticed the grass beneath my legs. The sky, darkening with clouds that could break or release rain at any moment. The leaves blowing, turning upside down so I could see the light green and dark green at the same time. The smell of rain, with no rain falling. And God. Mostly, I noticed God in all of it. I noticed that everything around me was drops of sacred, the divine in the mundane. Drops of God in my hands, my feet, the air, the branches creaking as they swayed. God, Love, Spirit, was in everything, around me at all times. And in that moment, the thing that would not let me rest, was found – connection.
It is easy in this life to be disconnected from each other, from the earth, from the resources that make our life possible and full of joy. And it is easy to feel the separation from God, Source, Universe, the Divine Spirit that made all of it.
With so much information coming at us at all times; with so much to do, to keep us busy, to take care of, it is easy to disconnect from the spirit inside us, the soul that we are and always have been.
And that is my pull, that is the feeling that would not relent – the reconnecting. The reconnecting to God, the reconnecting to myself, my soul, my spirit. The reconnecting to earth. The reconnecting to what my heart is pulling me to move towards. And reconnecting to each other.
So, for the time being, that is what I will be writing about here – how we move in this world on a daily basis and how to stay connected to who we are, to what is important to us, the resources we use, and to the particles of beautiful divine that comprise it.
I hope you stay with me as I make my way through this and join me in what I hope will be a conversation about how to live a more connected life.